AS Warriors

Just Brace Yourself

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Every single day…  every… single…. day……. someone is going to walk up to you and stomp your toe with the heel of their boot.  You know this is going to happen.  It’s going to happen.  At some point, every day, it will happen.

The first time, you didn’t see it coming.  This brat just comes out of nowhere and stomps your toe.  You cry out!  You crumble to the ground and grab your foot.  You make weird panting noises.  Blow out and suck the air back in.  Gosh, it hurts so bad!  You hop around and cry.  You probably cuss.  You seek help!

The second time is not much better, or the third, or fourth…..  You continue to withstand the inevitable pain over and over with no hope of ever making it stop.  Day after day.  Week after week.  Year after year.  Throughout this course, you will do your research and find out just what this brat is all about.  You will find out that these foot stompings (flares) get worse and worse and there is no cure.  You will feel that you are slowly being set apart from healthy normal people.

Now, jump ahead!  Many years have passed, and you have become a seasoned pro.  Sometimes, you even brag about how good you are at receiving your daily stomping.  You’re a tough cookie now.  You see the brat coming.  You flex your muscles and widen your stance.  You clinch your teeth and your fists.  Maybe you grab onto something or someone.   By now, you’re as prepared for this thing as you will ever be.  You are so strong.

And you take it….  You silently close your eyes and just brace yourself.

It still hurts the same as it did the first time it ever happened.  How could it not?  In fact, it probably hurts worse now considering all the damage that’s been done.  All the scars.  All the bruises.  Everyone assumes you are doing better because you don’t cry so much anymore and they see you out walking around town, so they quit asking you how you are.  Or maybe they just got tired of hearing the same answer all the time.  But that doesn’t really matter, because you’re frankly tired of explaining it.

And, about here, is where you find yourself alone.  The loneliest alone you will ever feel.  You have the sickening feeling that you are grieving your own death.  All you can think about is all the crap you thought you were gonna do with your remaining life on earth that you will never be physically able to do.  And everyone around you is still going on with their lives while you look out of your bubble and watch, because you’ve been dismissed as a nonparticipant in the game of life.  Whether it was others who did this to you or you did it to yourself, you just can’t figure it out.  Either way, it hurts and it sucks.

So you take your toe-stompin’ like the champ you are.  You deal with it with grace and class… at least while you’re out in public.  You are too proud to show your pain anymore.  You’re too young to limp!  Maybe, in your weakened state, you’ve somehow equated your pain with failure, so you just hide it as best you can.  You say you’re fine when you’re not because it’s easier that way.  To talk about it anymore only wastes your strength, and we need all the strength we can get to just…. DEAL…. every day.  We HAVE to be strong.  It’s that or nothing.

Allyson Messer on Wordpress
Allyson Messer
I’m just an every day housewife and mother of three grown kids, a son and two daughters. My husband and I are loving every minute watching our little family grow. Grandkids are the best! We have four! I had such plans of being the world’s most hikin’, fishin’, mudpie-makin’ Gaga (my first grandchild gave that name to me, so it stands 🙄) in the whole wide world; but something gradually took over my body…. Ankylosing Spondylitis. Pain is as much a part of my life as breathing. This disease picks you up like a claw and sets you apart, strips your health, and kills your spirit. So, in order for me to survive, I must blog! 😉I hope I can help someone out there. Enjoy! ❤

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